Yes, I do think it is best if a couple does not get physical before marriage.
Yes, I realize that sounds terribly old fashioned.
Yes, I know the physical aspect of a marriage is important.
But I do not think it is foundational, therefore I do not think it needs to be tried out beforehand, like so much tire kicking at a used car lot.
Now before I continue, let me say this. If half of all marriages end in divorce, then the system is terribly broken. We have got something bad wrong, and the result is millions of broken hearts and broken homes.
Here is my opinion. I think the divorce rate could be cut way down if people made wiser decisions before marriage.
Remember the “I Have a Dream” speech by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.? He said he dreamed of the day when his children would not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.
This is the foundation for judging people – the content of their character. If you want to make a wise choice in a marriage partner, you must take a good, long look at the content of their character.
I think
Now by love I don’t mean love at first sight, or a crush or an infatuation. I don’t mean, “They just look so gooooood, I think I’m in looooooove.”
And I don’t even mean “do they love you?” When I say love, I mean is this person a loving person? Do they show love to their parents and their siblings? Do they show love to their neighbors and coworkers?
Listen, if they aren’t showing love to the people already in their life, what makes you think they are going to show love to you after the thrill wears off?
Now listen to this. Even if someone shares your faith, but they don’t show love to the people already in their life – that is an important piece of the puzzle they are missing. They may wear a godly label, but if they aren’t showing love to the people around them, you better take a good, long look at that.
You’ve heard the phrase “Love is blind.” That’s true when you are talking about infatuation. In your eyes, the other can do no wrong. This is why it is so important to keep your distance before marriage. You need the space in order to accurately judge the content of their character.
So you need to examine them in various situations and ask yourself, “Is this a loving person?”
Now here’s another important question to ask. “Is this a person of commitment?”
This is so vitally important. When you marry someone, you want that to be a lifelong commitment. So the question is, how do they handle the smaller commitments in their life?
If they can’t keep little commitments like calling you when they say they will, how well will they fulfill their marriage commitment?
I mention love and commitment, because these are cornerstones to a long and happy marriage. You need to measure these very carefully in your future spouse.
And you need to look at it this way. Their level of love and commitment to the people already in their life is a good indicator of their future level of love and commitment to you.
Here is why love and commitment are cornerstones to marriage. If two people truly love one another and are committed to one another, nothing can stop them.
No matter what comes their way, their marriage will thrive.
And let’s say some surprises do pop up. Let’s say there is no getting physical before marriage. Then let’s say things don’t go so smooth in that area after the wedding.
Listen, that is minor. That is peanuts. If two people love one another and are committed to one another, they will overcome all obstacles. In fact, as they handle the obstacles together they become more and more bonded. Their love just grows as they make the journey together.
Back to
“But Doug, I think it’s important that people find out whether they are physically compatible.”
That’s silly. Everyone is “physically” compatible.
It’s time we put the emphasis where it belongs. And that means long before marriage, before anything physical clouds the picture, we need to take a good, long look at the content of their character.
(As heard on Wave 94.1 FM)
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