My name is Jared. And I have a new rule. Rule #6.
I came up with the first rule, I guess, when I was ten years old. My birthday present was that me and my parents were going to a pro baseball game. After the game, I saw all the cool hats, and asked Dad if I could have one.
He said “Sure, buddy!”
Gee, that was easy. So I asked for one of those little baseball bats, and I got that, too.
Cool.
I was in the back of the car on the way home, looking at my new major league ball cap when the argument began. Something about money, but I’d heard that before. And then he said it.
“Maybe we just shouldn’t have had a kid. Then maybe you’d be happy. Then maybe we’d have enough money.”
Oh. It was me. It was me they were fighting about. It was my new hat and my new bat. Wait…and the tickets, too, and the hot dog…
That’s when I came up with the first rule: “Don’t ask for anything.”
The second rule came that winter. Mom said I could have a couple of friends spend the night. It was so fun, we were going to stay up all night! We got in trouble a couple of times, but then at about midnight Dad came out and said, “Get in the car. You boys are going home.” I complained. “Why?” “Because we have a nice house and we want to keep it that way,” he said. “Apparently your friends don’t know how to behave around nice things.”
Rule #2 – “Don’t invite friends over.”
Mom and Dad argued a lot. One day I overheard Dad call Mom a bad name. I ran in and told him to Shut up! And he slapped me.
That’s when I came up with Rule #3 – “Just be quiet.”
And the rules were working. My parents argued less, and I was feeling good about it. For a while.
Then my report card came in the mail. I heard them talking about it. Louder and louder. Then Dad said, “Yep, marry a stupid wife, get a stupid son.”
Mom cried.
I wrote it on a little piece of paper, Rule #4 – “Get good grades.”
And I did. I studied all the time and got mostly A’s. I kept my room clean. I didn’t ask for anything, and I kept my mouth shut. And we were happy again.
But then I let my guard down. I ate in the living room. And that’s why she left, I guess. She came through the living room, took one look at me, and then started packing.
I should’ve known better. I should’ve tried harder.
Oh, I worked on it. I came up with a new rule, #5 – “Be perfect.” But I haven’t been. And now they’re getting a divorce.
Five rules weren’t enough. So now I have a new one, and it seems to be working. They’re less upset when I keep this rule, so I do, as best I can.
It’s hard, though, when your parents are fighting, but it helps anyway.
My Rule #6 is – “Stop crying.”
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