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Apples of Gold
Radio Script for October 8, 2010
“Confessions of a Condescending Mother”
Hello, I’m Doug Apple…with Apples of Gold.
Confessions of a Condescending Mother
(begin music)
Oh, I don’t know if I should be called a “condescending” mother, it sounds so negative.
But my kids just aren’t that bright. And they aren’t that cute. I guess they get that from their father, because I was the Homecoming Queen and trust me, there were a lot of pretty girls that year, but you had to have looks and talent and you know what? They didn’t.
I was hoping my little Kayla would carry on the tradition but it looks like there’s no chance of that. I mean, her favorite color is brown. “What are you, trying to be homely?”
Okay, yes I did say that to her. These are my confessions after all, but my heavens, I just want my child to be attractive, don’t you?
So I guess my queen dreams are out for Kayla, but you’d think she’d at least be smart. If you’re not pretty, be smart, right? So I called my friend the principal and asked for the class rankings and guess what? She’s 103rd. One hundred and third! I didn’t even know they kept track after 10.
“Kayla, I was 2nd in the class, and would have been first if it wasn’t for Ruby Kendrick who had nothing better to do. A child should do better than her parents, but you’re not even in the top 100. I’m ashamed to even call you my child right now.”
Yes, I did say that, but notice how I said “right now.” I’m not ashamed of her all the time, and she knows that.
“Pull your hair out of your face and stand up straight!”
Uh-mazing. That child would push a weaker woman over the edge.
I had high hopes for Kayla, but it’s not panning out. And now look at her. She’s starting to look frumpy.
“Kayla, have you weighed yourself lately? Do I have to make another chart for you by the scales? You know how you hated that.”
Yes, I made a weight chart for Kayla. She weighed herself everyday before and after school. Childhood obesity is a problem, you know. I have a book on it. You should see our library. We have over a thousand volumes. I believe a home library is one of the most important things you can do for your child’s success.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, obesity. Well that won’t be coming to our home if I have anything to say about it. I keep track of my weight, and no daughter of mine is going to be voted the most likely to be frumpy.
“Kayla! Go unlock the door so your brother will stop that infernal knocking.”
Okay, yes. I locked him out. He’s so annoying. I was right in the middle of a movie when he decided he wanted a snack. I told him to make it himself but he’s so helpless. He kept bugging me to make it for him so yes, I locked him out.
Have you ever seen a three-year-old spread peanut butter? Well that’s what he does, but he’s seven. He’s so uncoordinated, which he totally gets from his father, but at least his father was big enough to be on the football team, even if he was just a lineman.
But I don’t have any high hopes for Garrett. He’s not that bright, he’s not that cute, and he’s not going to be very big.
Yes, I’m discouraged, but I’m not giving up. I’m not the giving-up-type. I’ll just keep loving them and trying to make them better.
Like yesterday – I tried to help Garrett with his kickball. He said they were playing kickball at school, so we went out back and of course all he wanted to do was kick but I told him he had to catch first, so I kicked it to him, and guess what? Bing! Off his head. Bing! Off his knee. Bing! Yes, it knocked the wind out of him, and you would have thought he was dying the way he carried on. And that was it for kickball.
So no, Garrett is not my little athlete. Kayla is not my little beauty queen, and now I’ve got to go, I have a Bible study to get to.
It’s a group of women from church, and the topic is motherhood; and believe me, some of those women really need it.
(end music)
© 2010 The Arrow’s Tip
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(Proverbs 25:11 – “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”)
Why “The Arrow’s Tip”? Each morning, after diligently seeking the Lord, I write Apples of Gold. Then before I release it to the public I pray one final prayer, “Lord, send forth your arrows.” I envision Apples of Gold as arrows, tips dipped in the river of the water of life that flows from the throne of God (Rev. 22:1), sailing toward the hearts and minds of men and women around the world.
Doug Apple
General Manager - Wave 94
Christian Radio for Tallahassee
PO Box 4105
Tallahassee, FL 32315
(850) 926-8000
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