The Stockdale Paradox - Apples of Gold - March 17, 2008 -vi-

Apples of Gold
 

Radio Script for March 17, 2008

“The Stockdale Paradox”

Hello, I’m Doug Apple…with Apples of Gold.

Have you heard of the Hanoi Hilton?

It was a brutal prisoner of war camp in North Viet Nam.

John McCain spent time there, as did James Stockdale, one of the most highly decorated Navy officers ever.

In his book “Good to Great” Jim Collins says he asked Stockdale an interesting question.  He asked him what kind of men did not survive the Hanoi Hilton.

Stockdale said, “Oh, that’s easy.  The optimists.”

“The optimists?” said Collins.  “I don’t understand.”

The optimists, according to Stockdale, were the ones who said, “We’re going to be out by Christmas.”  And Christmas would come and go.  Then they said, “We’re going to be out by Easter.”  And Easter would come and go.  And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again.  And finally, Stockdale said, they just died of a broken heart.

That sounds very bleak.  But it leads up to what Collins calls “The Stockdale Paradox.”

Stockdale said, “This is a very important lesson.  You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end – which you can never afford to lose – with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

Stockdale was willing to let the terrible reality of his situation sink in.  He looked at the cold, hard facts, and did not stick his head in the sand.  However, he did not let that rob him of his hope.  He said, “I never lost faith in the end of the story.  I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life.”

So what is “The Stockdale Paradox”?  It’s confronting the brutal facts of your situation without losing faith that you will prevail in the end.

It’s not a false optimism that acts like there are no problems.  But it’s also not a gloom-and-doom that acts like there is no hope.  It’s faith and realism combined.

We find a great example of the Stockdale Paradox in Joshua and Caleb.

In Numbers 13, Moses sent 12 men to spy out the Promised Land.  What they found was a very prosperous land, and a land full of powerful enemies.

Ten of the spies came back with a gloom-and-doom attitude.  “Yes, it would be great to live there, but it will never happen.  Those guys will destroy us!”

Joshua and Caleb saw things differently.  It’s not that they ignored the challenges, they just had more faith.  They said, “If the Lord is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land…and will give it to us.  Do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up.  Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us.  Do not be afraid of them.”

But the people didn’t listen, so God decided to punish them with another 40 years in the wilderness.  Then the people said, “Well, if that’s the way it’s going to be, let’s go take the land!”

They quickly flip-flopped from gloom-and-doom to false optimism – and they got whooped by the Canaanites and Amalekites.

So the first time, they saw the brutal facts of their situation, but they had no faith that they would prevail.  The second time, they had a blind faith that they would prevail, but they did not confront the brutal facts of their situation – mainly that God had withdrawn his support for the mission.

In “Good to Great,” Jim Collins says the Stockdale Paradox is crucial for every business.  They must be willing to confront the brutal facts while keeping the faith that they will prevail.

Over the years I’ve run into many people who could have used the Stockdale Paradox.  Usually what they need more of is the willingness to confront the brutal facts of their situation.

Let me tell you, there are so many people who just don’t want to think about reality.  It’s unpleasant.  It means more work.  Where’s the fun? 

I’m reading a book about a very talented high school baseball player.  He even got a lot of money to sign a contract to play pro ball.  He didn’t work as hard as he should have, though, and his performance suffered.  The team finally cut him, but even years later he lived in the fantasy world that someday he would play pro baseball.  He drank a lot and sank into depression.  His life was a shipwreck, but he was repeatedly unwilling to confront the brutal facts of his situation, so it never improved.

See, we can’t do anything if we don’t start with the truth; the cold, hard truth. 

Yes, the truth can be depressing.  That’s where the paradox kicks in.  We don’t run from the sometimes depressing truth.  Whatever the truth is, we run to it.  And the inoculation against depression is our faith that we will prevail, that it will all work out in the end.

How can we have faith that it will all work out?  Because we have the hope of Bible verses like Romans 8:28 which says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

So think about the Stockdale Paradox today.  No, we never lose our faith and hope, but at the same time we must be willing to confront the brutal facts of our situation, then deal with them.


Comments?

E-mail me:  dougapple@wave94.com.

May God bless you today!  With Apples of Gold…I’m Doug Apple.

I must say that “Good to Great” by Jim Collins is one of my favorite business books of all time.
 
© 2008 The Arrow’s Tip
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(Proverbs 25:11 – “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”)

Why “The Arrow’s Tip”?  Each morning, after diligently seeking the Lord, I write Apples of Gold.  Then before I release it to the public I pray one final prayer, “Lord, send forth your arrows.”  I envision Apples of Gold as arrows, tips dipped in the river of the water of life that flows from the throne of God (Rev. 22:1), sailing toward the hearts and minds of men and women around the world.

Doug Apple
General Manager - Wave 94
Christian Radio for Tallahassee
PO Box 4105
Tallahassee, FL  32315
(850) 926-8000

-vi-

An Interview With a Demon

DA:      So, tell me, what is your name?

S:         Seville.

DA:      As in, “The Barber of Seville”?

S:         Yes, you could say that.

DA:      And what is your job, what do you do?

S:         I bring down the man of God.

DA:      Bring down the man of God.  And how do you do that?

S:         Oh, thank you for asking.  Let me tell you how I start.  I start with a likeable face.

DA:      A likeable face.

S:         Yes.

DA:      Just a likeable face.

S:         Yes.

DA:      And why not start with a beautiful face?  Or how about a beautiful buxom babe?

S:         Oh, not for the real man of God.  That door is closed.  And well guarded. 

DA:      So, to bring down the man of God….

S:         I start with a likeable face.

DA:      Like yours.

S:         Yes!  Thank you.  See this makeup?

DA:      Nice.  So you start with a likeable face.  Then what?

S:         The back door.

DA:      The back door.

S:         Oh yes, I never use the front door on a man of God. That’s where he stands guard.  His alarms go off if you even get close to the front door.

DA:      So you can come in the back door?

S:         Everybody has one!

DA:      Never a frontal attack?

S:         Not by me!

DA:      So, a likeable face, and in through the back door.  What is the next step in bringing down the man of God?

S:         Lies.  His own.

DA:      So you deceive him and….

S:         No no.  Oh, no.  I’m no good at deception.  I was not chosen for my deceptive arts.  I said, “Lies.  His own.”

DA:      So you don’t lie to him?

S:         Don’t have to.  He’ll lie to himself, and quite convincingly.

DA:      What kind of lies?

S:         Mostly that it’s not happening.

DA:      That it’s not happening.

S:         Yes.  The real man of God will look for deception, but he won’t see any because I’m not using it.  The real man of God would spot it.  He’d spot it like a dog on a coon, he’d smell it from a distance, and he’d howl about it, too!  But there is no deception, until he begins deceiving himself that it’s not happening.

DA:      I want to get back to something you said earlier.  You said you were not chosen for your deceptive arts. 

S:         That’s right.

DA:      For what were you chosen?

S:         My patience.

(dougapple@wave94.com)

www.wave94.com

 

Rule #6

My name is Jared.  And I have a new rule.  Rule #6.

I came up with the first rule, I guess, when I was ten years old.  My birthday present was that me and my parents were going to a pro baseball game.  After the game, I saw all the cool hats, and asked Dad if I could have one. 

He said “Sure, buddy!” 

Gee, that was easy.  So I asked for one of those little baseball bats, and I got that, too. 

Cool.

I was in the back of the car on the way home, looking at my new major league ball cap when the argument began.  Something about money, but I’d heard that before.  And then he said it.

“Maybe we just shouldn’t have had a kid.  Then maybe you’d be happy.  Then maybe we’d have enough money.”

Oh.  It was me.  It was me they were fighting about.  It was my new hat and my new bat.  Wait…and the tickets, too, and the hot dog…

That’s when I came up with the first rule:  “Don’t ask for anything.”

The second rule came that winter.  Mom said I could have a couple of friends spend the night.  It was so fun, we were going to stay up all night!  We got in trouble a couple of times, but then at about midnight Dad came out and said, “Get in the car.  You boys are going home.”  I complained.  “Why?”  “Because we have a nice house and we want to keep it that way,” he said.  “Apparently your friends don’t know how to behave around nice things.”

Rule #2 – “Don’t invite friends over.”

Mom and Dad argued a lot.  One day I overheard Dad call Mom a bad name.  I ran in and told him to Shut up!  And he slapped me. 

That’s when I came up with Rule #3 – “Just be quiet.”

And the rules were working.  My parents argued less, and I was feeling good about it.  For a while. 

Then my report card came in the mail.  I heard them talking about it.  Louder and louder.  Then Dad said, “Yep, marry a stupid wife, get a stupid son.” 

Mom cried.

I wrote it on a little piece of paper, Rule #4 – “Get good grades.”

And I did.  I studied all the time and got mostly A’s.  I kept my room clean.  I didn’t ask for anything, and I kept my mouth shut.  And we were happy again.

But then I let my guard down.  I ate in the living room.  And that’s why she left, I guess.  She came through the living room, took one look at me, and then started packing. 

I should’ve known better.  I should’ve tried harder. 

Oh, I worked on it.  I came up with a new rule, #5 – “Be perfect.”  But I haven’t been.  And now they’re getting a divorce. 

Five rules weren’t enough.  So now I have a new one, and it seems to be working.  They’re less upset when I keep this rule, so I do, as best I can.

It’s hard, though, when your parents are fighting, but it helps anyway. 

My Rule #6 is  – “Stop crying.”

(dougapple@wave94.com)

www.wave94.com

 

Temptation is a Lie

Temptation is a lie.  It’s always a lie.

It’s a lie that something will be good when it won’t be.

When I was a little kid back in the late 60’s, I remember hearing about teenagers on acid trips.  Sometimes they would think they could fly, then jump off balconies to their death. 

Temptation is like acid.  When under the influence of temptation, your mind is wacked. 

I read in the paper about a police officer who was arrested.  The report said that he was caught in a store dressing room, looking under the little wall at a woman in the next booth.  Now he’s lost his job, faces criminal charges, and public ridicule. 

What on earth made him think that was good idea?  Temptation.

I know a guy who has left his wife for a younger woman.  That younger woman, by the way, is no prize.  But he thinks she is.  He has left the “wife of his youth,” and his innocent little children.  He has devastated his family.  He has brought shame to himself, and as a well-known Christian man and church worker, he has made it more difficult for some to believe in God.

His mind is twisted.  His life is a wreck.  But somehow he thinks it is worth it.  He has sacrificed all of that to be with this woman.  He is deceived, and believing it to his own peril.

These examples are drastic.  They are the end result of years of little temptations, little deceptions. 

Honestly, what is your current temptation?  What boundary are you thinking about crossing?  Remember, temptation is a lie. 

Sometimes we think, “Oh, temptation.  That’s something good that God won’t let me have.” 

That’s another lie right there! 

Temptation is evil and powerful.  You never toy with it. 

I’m thinking of a young engaged couple.  They want to know how far they can go and still be O.K.  They want to know exactly where that boundary line is, so they can get as close to it as possible.

That is faulty thinking. 

Think of football, a field goal kicker.  He aims for the middle.  He never tries to see how close to the goal post he can cut it.

In life we need to aim for the center, which means lining ourselves up with what is right and what is good.

If you are feeling tempted today, stop.  Providence provides a way out, so look for it and take it.

And it will probably help to remember this:  Temptation is a lie.

dougapple@wave94.com

www.wave94.com

 

Don't Argue - Just Flip a Coin

Don’t argue about it.  Just flip a coin.

This is not a good way to solve every disagreement.  But it works wonders when both sides are basically even. 

Sometimes fighting to win costs more than losing.  The argument does more damage than the victory is worth. 

If that’s true, then why do people keep arguing?  Sometimes it is just to save face.  No one wants to back down or be defeated, so they keep fighting.

That’s where the coin toss comes in.  The decision is made, the argument is over, and life goes on, yet neither side was actually defeated.  It’s hard to take a coin toss personally.

The coin toss is a very civil way to settle disputes.  Many elections have been decided with a coin toss, which sure beats settling them with a shoot out.

Now you don’t decide your moral convictions with a coin toss.  You don’t choose right or wrong, good or evil with a coin toss.  Save your silver dollar for when both sides are equal.

Let’s say you want to go to the Football Hall of Fame on vacation, and she wants to go to an Oprah Winfrey Show.  Wait a minute.  That’s not even close to equal.

Well let’s say you want to go to Hawaii and she wants to go to Cancun.  You make your list of pro’s and con’s, but are still at an impasse.  You could argue until you’d rather go to Antarctica before you’d go on vacation with them – or you can flip a coin.

A key to the coin toss is that both parties agree to abide by its decision. 

Now kids, don’t try to flip a coin about whether to do your homework or not.  But if you want to flip a coin over whose turn it is to clear the table, fine.  Do it every night if you want.

Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers…”  One simple way to keep the peace is to flip a coin.

Proverbs 18:18 says, “Casting the lot settles disputes and keeps strong opponents apart.” 

Imagine a tied football game.  They go into sudden death overtime, and the most important decision of the day will be – who gets the ball?  How do they make this crucial decision?  A coin toss.

In Acts chapter one the disciples needed a man to replace Judas.  They had two great candidates, Joseph and Matthias.  They prayed, “Lord, you know everyone’s heart.  Show us which of these two you have chosen to take over this apostolic ministry…”  Then they cast lots.

That seems like an odd way to decide such an important matter.  But don’t forget, they had already done the hard work of narrowing their decision down to just Joseph and Matthias.  But then they were stuck.  Both men were equally qualified.  Now what? 

Now just pray and flip a coin!

“Wait a minute, Doug.  That’s more gambling than godly.”

Then what do you make of Proverbs 16:33?  It says, “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord.”

I think there is a little more God in this topic than meets the eye. 

Look what else we find in Proverbs 16.  Here is a powerful statement in verse 3, “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.”

I think if you come down to a decision between two good equals, then it is Biblical to pray, commit your plans to the Lord, then commit it to chance by casting lots or drawing straws or flipping a coin.  Of course when the Lord’s involved, it’s not really “chance” is it?

Proverbs 16:4 says, “The Lord works out everything for his own ends…”

Verse 9 says, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”

God’s hand is usually unseen, but it is moving to carry out God’s will.  And I have no reason to doubt that God moves through coin tosses.

So the next time you’re in this situation, stop fighting and start flipping.  Flip a coin and trust that God will work it all out.

dougapple@wave94.com

www.wave94.com

Your Mic Is Open

Tonight’s the big night.  Our church’s music team is making a live recording CD and DVD.  Everyone is excited, and we are expecting a full house.  Last night was the last practice, a time to tie up the loose ends, and to make sure all of the technology is going to do what it’s told. 

I’m not a singer.  I’m not in the band.  I’m one of the behind-the-scenes techno geeks.  So there we were, tucked away in our private little sky box for the video team.  And something wasn’t working right, and somebody had to be blamed.

A name is dropped.  “Somebody” gets dissed.  Then someone remembers - there is an open mic from the video booth back to the media room.  Oops.  Now they imagine that certain “somebody” back there listening, so they start speaking directly to them, telling them to get up there and fix it.  It was all rather lighthearted and harmless. 

But one of the leaders said, “We need to watch what we say.  Remember, there is always an open mic up here.”  And since I can never quite turn off the teacher within, I said, “You know, with God, there is always an open mic.”

That’ll preach.

I think we’ve all been there.  You’re saying something less than flattering about someone, and suddenly, there they are.  Oops.  And we’ve all been on the receiving end, overhearing a conversation about ourselves that was shocking and disappointing.

Just imagine that open mic.  It will help you watch your words. 

Jesus said that one day we will give an account for every idle word.

When I was a kid, I watched a lot of television.  I told my daughter the other day that back then certain things popped up in TV plots all the time, but you never hear about them anymore.  Back then people were always getting amnesia, or messing around with voodoo, or falling into quicksand.  And in the Westerns, what was it that might explode at the smallest nudge?  Nitro glycerin!

What I learned from TV about nitro glycerin is that you have to be very careful, or at the slightest bump it might blow up.  Yes, by the time I was seven I knew how to handle “nitro.” 

Well, our tongue is sort of like nitro.  It could go off at any moment. 

But the tongue can also do great things.  It is the rudder of your ship.  Whichever way you steer your tongue, that’s the direction your life will go.

We all need to work on this, speak more uplifting, positive words, building up those around us, “imparting grace to the hearer.” 

Remember, we always reap what we sow when it comes to the words we speak, so be careful – your mic is open.

dougapple@wave94.com

www.wave94.com

 

Last Year's Resolution - I Did It!

I’ve been on the Daniel Fast for one year now.

What is the Daniel Fast?

For me it means:

--Drink only water

--Eat no meat

--Eat no bread

--Eat no sweets

--Eat nothing fried.

Yesterday a friend at church asked me, “As you look back over the year, what do you think you’ve learned from this fast?”

I’ll get to that, but first let’s go back to the beginning.  In January 2007 our church announced a Daniel Fast for the first three weeks of the year, and I decided to do it.

For the first 2 ½ days I had a strange headache.  I am not prone to headaches, and I’ve never had a headache that lasted from one day into the next.  It wasn’t terrible, just a dull pain.  I guess my body was detoxing from, what? Sugar?  Caffeine?  I don’t know.

Then the headache went away, and I’ve not had a headache since.  Sometimes I used to get headaches in the afternoon, which I chalked up to too much time in front of a computer.  But since I went on the Daniel Fast I have had no such headaches. 

Sometime during the first few days I felt like I should take it to another level, to Daniel Fast all year. 

“Wow,” some people said, “You sure have a lot of self discipline.”  No, not really.  I believe God called me to do it, then He empowered me to do it.  It was not hard at all.

I must say, in the beginning I spent a lot of time hungry.  I had cut a lot out of my diet, but didn’t have enough to replace it. 

I came across this little phrase from Hemingway, “the discipline of hunger.”  He said his thinking was sharper and his writing better when he was hungry.

I thought of Ben Franklin’s maxim, “Eat not to dullness.”  Too much eating dulls our brain, while controlled hunger sharpens it.

Jesus said we must deny ourselves.  Our pastor said, “We are sacrificing the things that are pleasant in this world...”

Sometimes we look up and say, “God, please work in my life.”  But then we are unwilling to deny ourselves a single thing.

It was five months into the fast when I realized the greatest effect it had on me.  At that time I wrote this:  “My thoughts are more under control.  There is less impulsive thinking.  More peace.  I am more settled in my mind.  More faith.”

The thing that really hit me was, “There is less impulsive thinking.” 

Now let me say, I was never one to be hooked on a certain food or drink.  I know people who always have a soda to sip on, or coffee, or their daily ration of chocolate.  Not me.  I was chained to nothing.  Or was I?

Even though it was not one certain thing, I realized that many times each day I would impulsively grab something to eat or drink.  My mind would suddenly flash the message, “Oh, I need a Coke.”  “Oh, I need a cup of coffee.”  “Wow, you know what I could really use right now?  A burger and fries!”  After every meal I impulsively reached for something sweet. 

I had no idea how often I was interrupted by thoughts of food and drink.  It was a stunning realization.  I was not overweight.  I’ve never been on a diet in my life.  And yet in certain ways food had a controlling effect on me.  My brain would flash the message, “I gotta have it,” and I would jump to obey.

When I talk about the Daniel Fast, most people look at it like a good diet plan.  Yes, it can be that, but I encourage everyone who does it to ignore the health benefits and focus on the spiritual benefits. 

Paul told Timothy, “…bodily exercise profiteth little, but godliness is profitable unto all things…”  Why focus on that which “profiteth little?”  Godliness profits in every way, including in physical health.

Now after a year of the Daniel Fast I feel more disciplined and self controlled.  I feel closer to God, and less prone to give in to impulsive thinking, both in food and other ways. 

So I highly recommend the Daniel Fast.  But if that’s not for you, I still encourage you to find something you can deny yourself in this coming year.  If you can’t do it for yourself, then offer it up as a sacrifice to God.

dougapple@wave94.com

www.wave94.com

 

Marriage Tune-Up

Time for a marriage tune-up!  Today let’s do a diagnostic on five areas of your marriage.

Are You Having Fun Together? 

Are you laughing together?  A key to a strong marriage is that you spend your most enjoyable times together.  If you’re not careful, your relationship can decay into a stale business partnership.  All you talk about are the things you must plan together, money, children, the house, where to spend your holidays.  A marriage danger zone is when you are having fun, but not with each other.

Are You Going Out On Dates?

This is just as important as it was before you were married.  You need some romantic time together.  It may mean a fancy restaurant.  Or it may simply mean a nice walk.  Just make this a habit, go out and do something pleasant…together.

Are You Having Silly Arguments?

Married people say things to one another that they would never say to a guest in their home.  Why should you be polite to strangers, then brutal to your spouse?  Hold your tongue.  And this especially applies when responding.  You feel like you just took a hit.  They just slammed you.  That’s when it is super important to not react.  Let it slide.  “A quiet answer turns away wrath.”  And often they didn’t mean it the way it sounded anyway.  A little common courtesy goes a long way.

Are You Filling Their “Love Tank”?

Everyone has a love tank, and someone will fill it.  It is very important that it is you.  When was the last time you left a surprise love note?  Bought some flowers?  Sent a “Just thinking of you” card, or even an e-mail?  What about hugs and kisses?  Even a five-year-old knows you need lots of X’s and O’s (and guys, I’m not talking about football!)

Are You Growing Spiritually…Together?

That means keeping each other current with where you are in your faith.  You should be sharpening one another, praying for and with each other. 

I’ll never forget what the actor Kevin Costner said one time, “Marriage is a tough gig.”  When I read that I thought, “He’ll be divorced soon.”  And sure enough, he was.  Because if you focus on the tough parts, you will burn out.  Or you will just become numb, with no feelings at all for your spouse. 

But it’s never too late to reignite your marriage.  Like focusing a magnifying glass on a dead leaf, when you focus on your marriage, soon that spark and flame will return, and then burn brighter than ever. 

(www.wave94.com)

dougapple@wave94.com

 

The Seven Pillars of Wisdom

Have you ever heard of “The Seven Pillars of Wisdom?”

It comes from Proverbs 9:1 which says, “Wisdom has built her house; she has hewn out its seven pillars.”

Now if there was a tidy set of seven pillars of wisdom, it would have been nice if the author would have spelled it out right there.  But he didn’t.  That leaves it open to speculation, and many people have done so.  And now you can add me to the list.

That phrase “seven pillars” really struck my fancy, so what I did was a complete read through of the book of Proverbs to see if I could pick up on a set of seven branches of wisdom.

It wasn’t exactly obvious, because the Proverbs cover a lot of ground.  But here is what I think are the seven main “pillars of wisdom.”

#1  Righteousness

From beginning to end the Proverbs talk about the blessings of the righteous.  This includes integrity and purity, living upright and blameless.  If we put these in order of the number of times mentioned, righteousness has to top the list.  Some form of the word appears almost 80 times in the book of Proverbs.  The opposite of righteousness is wickedness, which Proverbs repeatedly warns against.

Righteousness is not just good for individuals, but look what it says in Proverbs 14:34, “Righteousness exalts a nation…”

#2  Restraint

Restraint is self control.  It covers everything from holding your tongue to holding your temper.  A life of wisdom is a life of restraint.  The opposite of restraint is when we do or say whatever we feel like at the moment.

Proverbs 29:11 says, “…a wise man keeps himself under control.”

#3  Action

Sometimes when we think of wisdom we think of an old man sitting up on a hill doing nothing but dispensing wisdom.  Or we might think of wisdom as a bunch of things we don’t do.  Not so.  A man of wisdom is a man of action, a hard worker, a go-getter.  The opposite of this is being lazy, like a sluggard. 

Proverbs 10:4 says, “Lazy hands make a man poor, but diligent hands bring wealth.”

#4  Truth

A wise man is always true and never deceptive, whether in a court of law, or in business dealings, or simply when talking with friends.  He is honest and fair and just. 

Proverbs 12:22 says, “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful.”

#5  Instruction

A wise man is always ready to receive instruction.  It may come in the form of teaching, or it may be a word of advice.  It might even be a rebuke or harsh discipline.  It comes in different ways at different times, but whenever it comes, a wise man is always teachable, always moldable, always open to instruction.

Proverbs 19:20 says, “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.”

#6  Generosity

A wise man is a giving man.  He never hordes for himself, but is always kind and good and ready to give away what he has been given.  He holds everything with an open hand. 

Proverbs 11:25 says, “A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.”

#7  Humility

The Proverbs repeatedly warn of the dangers of pride.  The opposite of pride is humility.  A wise man is also a humble man.  The more he knows, the more he realizes he doesn’t know. 

Proverbs 11:2 says, “…with humility comes wisdom.”

Now you might say, “What about the fear of the Lord?  Why isn’t that one of your pillars?”

Well, I based my decisions on what was most mentioned in the book of Proverbs, and the fear of the Lord wasn’t mentioned as often as these seven.  However, it says in both Proverbs 1:7 and Proverbs 9:10 that “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom…”  So I will say this.  The seven pillars are built on this foundation:  The fear of the Lord.

Now here are some honorable mentions that are obviously important, but don’t show up as often in the Proverbs:

--love

--diligence

--faithfulness

--peacemaking

--whom you keep company with (i.e. not fools)

dougapple@wave94.com

www.wave94.com

 

Spice Up Your Marriage

There is an insidious idea floating around that porn is a good way to spice up your marriage.

In the past this would have been less tempting, but the internet has changed all that. 

Like I said, it’s an insidious idea.  And the word insidious describes it perfectly, “beguiling, but harmful.”

I just read the story of a couple, and one day the husband suggested they spice up their marriage by looking at porn.  She was reluctant, but she was also curious.  So they did, and wow!  It really spiced things up…very briefly.

It created an almost immediate wedge in their marriage, driving them apart, not together.

I wish I could say that they worked it all out and everything is okay now.  But that’s not the way it went.  The story to date is that their marriage is barely holding together. 

Porn will spice up your marriage like crack cocaine will spice up your kid’s birthday party.

Here is another horrible way to spice up your marriage – by making your spouse jealous.  Again, it might provide an immediate boost of attention, a little thrill, the “high” of power, but it’s faulty wiring.  You might start a fire you can’t put out. 

Another terrible way to try to spice up your marriage is by cultivating a little relationship on the side.  Yes, it may give you a quick high, and you may take the good feelings home with you.  But the high is so short and the damage so swift, only a fool would think it beneficial. 

Some people try to spice up their marriage by reading racy novels.  “It puts me in the mood,” they say.  But again, it’s faulty wiring.  The lights go on, but something is starting to smell. 

“So, Doug, what can I do to spice up my marriage?”

Here’s what you do.  Go back to the Maker of marriage.  God had a perfect plan when He created Adam and Eve for one another.  Yes, our broken world has also broken marriage, but God’s plan is still best. 

So start by going to Him in prayer.  Pray for your marriage and your spouse everyday. 

The best way to spice up your marriage is with extra helpings of true love.  Go back to First Corinthians 13 and apply it to your marriage. 

One perceived drawback to this plan is that it doesn’t provide that quick high.  Maybe not, but it builds on a solid, true foundation.  And on this foundation your marriage will just get better and better as the years go by. 

I like what it says in Proverbs 10:22, that the blessing of the Lord makes one rich, and He adds no sorrow to it. 

See, these other schemes to spice up your marriage – sure, they may add some spice in the short run, but then they add sorrow. 

But the blessing of the Lord makes for a rich marriage – and adds no sorrow to it.

(www.wave94.com)

dougapple@wave94.com

 

Such As I Have, I Give Unto Thee

One thing about working at a radio station, you always have a prize closet you can pull things out of.  In all my years in radio, there’s been a never-ending supply of things to give away:  CD’s, books, tickets to concerts, shows, theme parks, special events…there’s just always something to give away.

I love it when you give something away that someone truly appreciates.  A few weeks ago we gave away tickets for a concert at Wild Adventures Theme Park.  A young woman showed up in the front lobby to pick up her tickets, and I’m told she started crying.  She was so blessed to get those free tickets, tickets that she couldn’t afford on her own.

Often when I give away something I’ll say this, “Silver and gold have I none, but such as I have, I give unto thee.”

Think of that phrase, “Such as I have.”  For you, what falls into that category?  What have you been blessed with? 

Now how can you give it away?  “Such as I have, I give unto thee.”

Jesus said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”

Maybe you’re like me.  I’ve always been in that “silver and gold have I none” category.  But we are all in the “such as I have” category.  We all have something to give.

I got an e-mail yesterday from a woman who truly inspired me.  She is like most of us, working down here in the trenches of the middle class.  No silver or gold, so what does she have to give?

She told me how the other day she spent a couple of hours praying for people.  Then she said she felt like God gave her specific words of encouragement for certain people.  She went so far as to actually write down those encouraging words on cards, and delivered them. 

What a neat thing to give!  First of all, to spend all that time in prayer.  Then to actually step out on faith, write it down and deliver it - all in order to give some encouragement.  I love that story!

I remember one day someone went out of their way to give me a little booklet, five dollars worth of McDonald’s gift certificates.  Such a tiny gift, really.  But it meant a lot that they even thought of me.  What a beautiful gift!

A while back we received a letter from a relative, with a nice check in it.  Apparently he had been given some money, and he decided to pass it on to others.  He could have kept it, or saved it, or invested it, or bought some new clothes or a new TV or whatever.  But instead, he took what he had received, and gave it away! 

I have always loved photography.  Over the years I have taken pictures at various weddings and events, but I have never charged a dime.  For me, an interest and ability to take pictures falls in the category of “such as I have.”  It’s not my profession.  It’s just something I can do, so I give it away. 

I remember as a child my mom baking cookies for old folks and giving them away.  When my daughters were small, my mom used her sewing abilities to take fancy prom dresses from thrift stores, and somehow shrink them down into little frilly dress-up play clothes for my girls.  She took what she had, her sewing skill, and gave it away.

I say all this to inspire you today.  Look around.  What have you been blessed with?  Money?  Time?  Talent?  Well such as you have, give it away!

Like Jesus said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”

dougapple@wave94.com

www.wave94.com

 

The Color of Thanksgiving

Thoughts are the colors that paint our day.

The things we dwell on – these become the dominate colors.

If we think dark thoughts, we end up with a dark day.

If we think bright thoughts, we end up with a bright day.

Imagine Michelangelo, standing there with a brush in one hand and a color palette in the other.  What colors will end up on the canvas?  Only the colors that are on the palette.

The canvas is your day.  Each day is like a blank canvas, and you can paint it any way you choose.  And the colors you use are your thoughts. 

Here is one primary color that must always be on our thought palettes:  thankfulness.

This is Thanksgiving week, so I want to point out to you the incredible power of being thankful.

Colossians 2:7 says we should be “overflowing with thankfulness.”

It’s hard to have a bad day when you are overflowing with thankfulness.

It’s hard to be negative when you are thankful. 

It’s hard to be proud when you are thankful. 

Being thankful is a great way to control your tongue, because you know what?  It’s hard to say negative things when you are overflowing with thankfulness.

It’s hard to feel lonely when you are thankful, because being thankful is a way of recognizing, “Hey, I’m not in this alone.” 

It’s hard to feel covetous or jealous when you are thankful, because instead of looking at what other people have and feeling dissatisfied, being thankful means looking at what you have and feeling grateful.

Listen, thankfulness inoculates us from all kinds of ills.

We talk a lot about depression in America.  Well it’s hard to be depressed and thankful at the same time.

When your palette is overflowing with the color of thankfulness, it doesn’t leave room for a host of more negative colors.

You might say, “Well you don’t understand, Doug.  This will be my first Thanksgiving without a special loved one.” 

Well what color will you put on your palette?  Dark, ugly colors?  Does that honor them in any way?  Is that what they would want?  Would they say, “Yes, please have a terrible holiday in memory of me”? 

If our palette is to overflow with thankfulness, then maybe instead of focusing on our loss, it’s time to be thankful for the precious time we had with them.

Thankfulness brightens the most mournful day. 

“Well, Doug, I’m more of a realist.  And realistically, there is just not much to be thankful for.”

Au contraire!  We are to be overflowing with thankfulness!   That doesn’t mean we ignore problems or stick our head in the sand.  Yes, we must still work to solve problems.  But it’s so much easier with a healthy dose of thanksgiving.

Sure, we can walk around with a monkey on our back all day.  We can let our thoughts drag us down into a pit. 

But honestly, it all comes down to what we choose to dwell on. 

So imagine your thoughts as a color palette.  It’s our thoughts that will color our day.  And if we want a brighter day, we need to think brighter thoughts.

And one very versatile color, good for brightening any canvas, is that beautiful color of thanksgiving!

(as heard on Wave 94.1 FM)

www.wave94.com

dougapple@wave94.com

 

When You Get Married, Stop Looking

People are waiting longer to get married these days.  Why?  There are many reasons, but one reason I read about was that some people are waiting to get married because they want to make sure they get the very best person they can get.

Now on the surface that sounds fine.  “Marry the best person you can get.”  Compare that to “I married the first loser that came along.” 

The problem with this thinking is, what happens after you are married? 

Recently I read a marriage book with a Q&A section at the end.  One young man asked, “What if I get married, and then someone better comes along?”

The answer was simple yet profound:  “When you get married, stop looking.”

Marriage is not like buying a car – you get a sharp one this year, but then trade it in for a new model in a few years.  Once you are married, it’s quite simple.  The shopping ends.  If you are not ready to stop shopping, don’t get married.

Marriage is a big commitment.  You are making vows.  Vows!  Those are promises you swear to die before you break.  You NEVER break your vows. 

“But shouldn’t I make myself happy?”

That’s a stupid, selfish thing to say, “…make myself happy…”  If making yourself happy means breaking your vows, absolutely not.  Happiness is not the god that we Americans make it out to be. 

God is God, and happiness is not.  And besides, happiness doesn’t come from chasing happiness.  Happiness is a byproduct of following God, of living honorable lives, of keeping your vows, of being loyal to your spouse.

Would you like a beautiful flower garden, year after year?  Then you need to tend to it, year after year.  You want a beautiful marriage over the years?  Then tend to it, and don’t be daydreaming about someone else’s flowers.

I had lunch with a couple of men yesterday, and the topic of marriage came up.  One of them has been married for many years, and is now in that “empty nest” stage, where all the kids have moved out.  He said they were basically reinventing their marriage to adjust to a life where children were no longer the focus. 

Some people at this stage start shopping for a new romance.  That is wrong and not in anyone’s best interest.  Remember, happiness is not found by chasing happiness.  Happiness is a byproduct of following God, and in this case, being true to your spouse. 

Is it time to reinvent your marriage?  Then do it! 

I got an e-mail yesterday from a man who told me that he and his wife have been married for several years, but that in the last few months things had become strained.  They decided to go on a marriage retreat, and, quote, “I’m not exaggerating when I say we received some of the most important, if unexpected, breakthroughs we’ve ever experienced in our marriage.”  He concludes, “Isn’t it amazing that when you finally choose to listen to God’s leading, He blesses your socks off?  Go figure.” 

See?  He said God blessed their socks off!  And He’ll do the same for you and your marriage.  Just take time to focus on Him and on each other, and amazing things will happen!

(As heard on Wave 94.1 FM)

dougapple@wave94.com

www.wave94.com

 

Emotion Marks Our Lives

Can you remember a time when you had a really strong thought?  You know, it was just a great thought, a brilliant contemplation.

We’ve all had a few, but can you remember them?  Can you remember the time and place?

Now think of a time when you had a really strong emotion. 

When we experience deep feelings, we remember it keenly.  We remember who was involved and the circumstances around it. 

See, there’s just something more powerful about emotional moments that make them stick in our memory.

Why is it that I don’t remember any great thoughts from kindergarten, even though there must have been a hundred ah-hah! moments?  But what do I remember?  Feeling embarrassed when I fell down on the playground and tore a small hole in the knee of my pants.  I remember standing in line to go back into the school, hoping no one noticed.  I remember sitting at my little desk, putting my hand over my knee to cover it up. 

In first grade I don’t remember any great thoughts, though there must have been some.  But I remember clearly the teacher leaving the room and telling no one to leave their seats.  I remember a friend asking to see some pictures I had brought from our California vacation.  I remember taking the pictures over to his desk, knowing it was wrong, but hoping I could get back to my seat.  I remember Mrs. Prather returning in a very untimely fashion, and I distinctly remember the trip to the hallway, the paddle, the tears, and the trip back into the classroom.

I’ve called my wife thousands of times, so why do I remember the first one so well?  Certainly not because it was so intellectually stimulating.  I probably sounded like a nitwit. 

No, I remember it so well because it was charged with emotion.  It’s the emotional days that get the big red X on our calendar of memories.

Here is one of my favorite quotes.  A lady named Merle Shain wrote, “We tend to think of the rational as a higher order, but it is the emotional that marks our lives.”

I only remember one spelling word from all my grade school years:  rein, as in r-e-i-n. 

See, I loved spelling bees, and I especially loved winning spelling bees.  I loved dividing the class into two teams, and the competition and the thrill of victory.

And I’ll never forget the day I got “rein” as a spelling word, and I spelled it r-a-i-n, even though the teacher clearly said, “used to control a horse.”  The blood drained from my face.  I remember going to recess, completely deflated.  I remember standing in line for the slide, climbing the steps and sliding down, still kicking myself for misspelling rein.

Out of all the spelling words I’ve had in my life, why on earth do I remember that one so well?  Because of the emotions.  See how it works?  Emotion marks our lives.

Now…we tend to think of emotions as capricious.  They flit about and we have little control over them.

What I’m not getting ready to say is that we need to put the clamps on our emotions.  But I do think we can control our emotions, and here’s how.

I think we get emotional over what we invest in.  The deeper we invest ourselves into something, the deeper our emotions run.

I heard Dr. James Dobson talking about his mother on the radio, and he basically said she died of grief after his father passed away.  She had invested herself so deeply into that one man, that when he died, it broke her emotional bank. 

Why do some parents take it so hard when their children move out and they have an empty nest?  It’s because they have invested so much in those children. 

Why did some men kill themselves after the stock market crash in 1929?  Because they had not only invested their money, but even their life in the stock market, and when it crashed, they crashed.

So how can we make our emotions more stable?  By investing ourselves in things that are stable.  And the most stable thing of all is God.  When we invest in our relationship with God, we are investing in someone who will never leave us or forsake us.* 

When an investment goes well, it brings joy and peace.  And listen brothers and sisters, our investment in the Lord always goes well!

Some people’s emotions ride on the fortunes of their favorite team.  Not a good investment, since everyone loses more championships than they win. 

I told my daughter last night, “In the end, it’s just you and God.  So anything you can do to build that relationship is a good thing.”

So here’s my three point summary:

1.  Emotion marks our lives.

2.  Emotions follow what we invest in.

3.  The best investment is in the Lord.

* Hebrews 13:5

dougapple@wave94.com

www.wave94.com

(As heard on Wave 94.1 FM)